Sweeter than Honey

More than once in the last year Brian has characterized my crafting efforts as "Pinterest Fails." Because I recognize the accuracy of his assessments--and because I'm not yet willing to give up--I have directed my crafting efforts to the three kiddos who find Mommy's projects to be much more impressive and delightful than their father does. 

In all seriousness, though, the Allerding household has been doing some "projects" recently, and I want to share them here. As I've expressed in several posts recently, the Lord has grown in me such a thirst for His Word. He uses the Word of God to reveal to us our need for it, and I have felt a real longing and responsibility to teach this same love to my children. More than once I've told you how I pray it will be their "magnificent obsession." 

This summer we've tried to build the habit of being in the Word early in the day. Most mornings we try to sit around the table (often with our breakfast!) and read from the Word of God. Each week I've prayed for wisdom, for the right verses that will work in their hearts and build a foundation for their faith and life. To make it interesting (and memorable) for the little people, I have come up with (or Googled) some craft ideas to go with the verse we are memorizing. 

Since I've already told you I'm not one of those impressive Pinterest moms...I feel like this is accessible to everyone and anyone! And if you don't have kiddos, I hope it's an encouragement just to be in the Word of God--to memorize His Word--make sure it's written on your heart and mind. I can't tell you the difference in my life since I've begun to really focus on and memorize the Word of God--it is a place to turn in times of joy, in times of sorrow, in times of anxiety and fear, in times of thankfulness. It is a place to turn at all times. 

So....here are the four verses we've memorized so far and some of the little "projects" we've done to go along with them. Seriously, if you have markers and some paper plates, you should be good to go! 

Rejoice with those who rejoice... .

Romans 12:15

Raising two 5 year olds and a 4 year old is a constant reminder of how selfish we really are--of how much we keep track of what the other guy has (and what we don't!). We've been talking about rejoicing with those who rejoice--even if we don't have what they do! What a challenge to my own heart. It has challenged me to ask the Lord to root all the envy out of my heart! All we did with this one was use some markers and draw some pictures, as well as talk about lots of examples of what this might look like played out in our lives.

But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high.

Psalm 3:3

We made shields out of paper plates with the verses written on them. Such a great reminder that the Lord is our shield--how often we run to so many other things to protect us. 

Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Luke 12:7

At an age where bad guys and bad dreams are a serious concern (who am I kidding--that's still me too!), this verse has been such a blessing. It's such an incredible reminder of the sovereignty of our Lord. He knows every hair on our head. How much more does He know everything that will happen to us! My favorite part to talk about with the kiddos and to hear for my own comfort--the most frequent command in the whole Bible--is DON'T BE AFRAID! For this one, we made little sparrows, to remind us how much God loves and cares for us.

How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!

Psalm 119:103

Oh, how I wish I had done this one first! This is the premise of the whole activity--that we might learn to love God's Word--that it might be "sweeter than honey" in our lives. For this one, we made hives and bees and lollipops to remind us of this sweetness.

***

And so I pray, dear reader, may the Word of God be "sweeter than honey" to you.

TRUST

Truth

Two years ago this very week I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. When I reflect back on that time in comparison to where I am today, I am humbled by how much distance there seems to be between me now and the woman standing on my driveway that day, listening to the doctor say, "Yes, I'm 100% certain. You have MS." 

The image that comes to mind is that of a cup. Then, my cup was full. But now, I must confess, I feel like my cup is overflowing. 

At the front of my Bible I have these words written from the night before my diagnosis was confirmed:

Here's my heart, Lord, speak what is TRUE.

These words from a song by I Am They were a prayer. An anthem. So much of my diagnosis was surrounded by surrender. An overwhelming need to give it all to the Lord--no doubt a prompting from the Holy Spirit. And now, as I sit here two years later, I can barely get off my knees with gratitude for the way God has answered this prayer. Only with Christ can we surrender--give up, give in--and yet feel so full, so overflowing with His mercy. 

What have I learned in these two years, dear reader? Oh, I could talk to you for days straight and not scratch the surface. But if you have a moment, I'll at least give you a few highlights:

I have learned that when we are in Christ, God hears our prayers. He knows our hearts. I know He heard that prayer on June 25, 2015 and He has not stopped answering it. He has filled my heart with TRUTH--His Truth. He has grown in me a love for God's Word so deep and fervent that I hunger for it in ways I never could have imagined. And that is how I know it is the Holy Spirit at work in me--that kind of hunger does not originate from my weak flesh.

I have learned that God's Word is always true. When He speaks Truth into an area of your life, choose to listen. Believe. Always. We cannot be flippant in this--we must ask for discernment and wisdom in understanding His will in our lives. 

I have learned how incredibly wicked and sinful I actually am (I'm sure I haven't even begun to discover the depths of it!). But I have also begun to understand how much more glorious that makes the cross. 

I have learned I have so much more to learn. 

And in the meantime I must continue to pray, and I thank you, sweet reader, from the bottom of my heart for your loving prayers. I pray for healing and for a cure. But I also pray that as long as I have MS, God would use it to further His kingdom. It is hard to imagine the ways He has used this wretched disease to fill up my heart and overflow my cup with His love and mercy.  A God that can make me thankful for something I should (and sometimes do!) hate so much, is definitely a God worth serving. 

Ultimately, I have learned His will is always better than my own. Even in this. And I know this is a lesson I will continue to learn, sometimes kicking and screaming my way along.  

Never underestimate the power of prayer or the love of our Father. And so tonight, I pray it again: Here's my heart, Lord, speak what is true. 

***

We are not so foolish as to think we can learn a trade without the diligent use of helps. Shall we think that we may become spiritually skillful and wise in the understanding of this mystery without making any real effort to use the helps God has given us? The most important of them is fervent prayer. Pray with Paul that the 'eyes of your understanding may be enlightened to behold' the glory of God in Christ. Pray that the 'God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of him.' Fill your minds with spiritual thoughts of Christ. Lazy souls do not get the tiniest of this glory. The 'lion in the way' deters them from making the slightest effort.

-John Owen

(from Prayers of an Excellent Wife)

Shield

Have you ever studied the life of David--the man after God's own heart? As I study his life--his incredible character and virtues--I am ultimately learning more and more about the incredible character of the God I serve. 

What I have also learned is that even a man like David--king over all of Israel--can also be susceptible to Satan and to sin. If you know of David's story, that he took another man's wife and then ultimately had that same man killed, you wonder how this could be the same man you were reading about only a few chapters prior.  This week it has caused me to pause--to reflect on how easily sin can take hold in my own life. It is a fine warning never to be too comfortable, always to be reminded of my desperate need for the grace of God. 

As Beth Moore so aptly puts it, "If that can happen to David, it can happen to anybody."

So what are we to do? Tremble in fear, waiting for some great sin to overtake us?

No! We must guard against it daily. Beth Moore goes on to say that one such way to guard against it is TO LOVE THE WORD OF GOD!

So as I have shared with you before, dear reader, I constantly pray for myself and my children that the word of God would be our magnificent obsession. 

These past couple weeks, as summer has gotten underway, I have felt a strong need to share with my children the habit of actually being in the Word.

Most mornings we sit together at the table and pick a verse for the week (one I've already prayed about and chosen!). We open our Bibles, recite the verse and then write it out in some fun way (so that pretty much means I let them use Mom's Sharpies!!!). We don't spend forever--we begin with a brief prayer and talk about the verse, what it might mean or how it might apply to a five year old's universe! 

Please don't think I'm such a great mom, here--we are only on week two of this! However, I want to share with you because I believe so strongly we must guard our hearts by being in God's Word. By hearing and reading Truth each and every day. When we make it a priority--when He is THE ALL of our life--we safeguard against the fall we saw in David's life. 

This week our verse was Psalm 3:3. For me, it was a reminder that God is my shield--the only reliable place to run. And for my babies, they learned that God is their protector, defender, their all. We made shields out of paper plates, but I pray that we are also building shields around our hearts. The only shield that can withstand the devil's schemes--God's Word.

But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. 

Psalm 3:3

Prayer

I have been humbled recently by the realization that I need God in every crevice of my life. Without Him I do not even have breath to live. I came across this quote by Abraham Lincoln and thought it spoke to the reality that in our deepest need, God is the only one to whom we can go and be assured He hears and understands. 

I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had absolutely no other place to go.

Abraham Lincoln

Thanksgiving

Tomorrow my little girl turns four. I'm distraught on the inside--my baby is turning four! Brian would have had 10 kids if he could! I thought I wanted four or five. We prayed and prayed about having a fourth. And the month before we were going to try, I was diagnosed with MS. His answer was clear. Many people can still have children with MS, but they did not think it wise for me with the number of lesions and a need to "get this under control first." 

But when I stop to think about my little babies, I am overwhelmed with the Lord's abundant mercies. First, I have children. I look around at a world where so many women struggle to get pregnant. And then I consider that He gave me two at a time! Twins. He knew then that I wouldn't be able to have any more after Charlotte... . What incredible mercy.

How quickly I forget to say thank you when they are all screaming their heads off at each other, and I'm threatening them for the twentieth time that day about being kind to one another. But tonight I am reminded that "every good and perfect gift is from above" (James 1:17). 

Praise the Lord for my favorite little people!

Put Together

The other night I spent an inordinate amount of time picking out my outfit. When I ultimately came to the final selection, I looked in the mirror to survey the finished product and thought to myself, At least I look put together on the outside.

 The truth is, on the inside I was falling apart. June is a scary month for me. It was when I was first diagnosed with MS. It's very busy at work, and the Ohio heat and humidity is not my friend. 

At times, I catch myself praying in my head: I can do this Father (as if in some way that pathetic pep talk is actually a prayer!)

But when I stop to really consider what I'm saying, I am appalled by my arrogance--by my self-reliance. And then I pray a different prayer: Only YOU can do this, Father. I need You. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

How often we succumb to pulling ourselves up by the bootstraps--making sure we look "put together" when on the inside we are falling apart. At the base of all of this is my pride. The bottom line is that I need help. Everyday. All the time.

Even in my successes--the "put together" parts of my life--I must credit the God in heaven who has so graciously gifted me with the talent or opportunity to accomplish it in the first place.

As He works in my heart to grow me, I am faced more and more with the reality that I am far more sinful than I ever imagined. But somehow, someway, in His beautiful way, He is also revealing to me a deep need for HIm--for His grace and mercy and amazing love:

 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

1 John 4:10

Abundance

What a blessed weekend in Ohio! Got to spend some sweet time with family and thank God for His abundance! We spent time at Aunt Erin's pool and then Grandma and Grandpa Allerding came up to help us plant our garden. I've had friends tell me to appreciate our proximity to our families, and I find myself reflecting on the weekend and thanking God for this incredible blessing!

Here are a few highlights from our planting extravaganza...

• I learned how deep to plant a tomato plant!
• Did you know a "grackle" is a bird!?
• The best part: Daddy and both Grandpas are my little boys' heroes. So thankful for the precious time we have with them!

Beauty

As I age, I think more often that I ought to cherish my youth while I have it. I love clothes, and when I think about what I'm going to wear some days, I confess I think I better wear that now while my legs still look good. 

I suppose if I confess it all to you, I have also thought that I better wear this now while I can still walk. It may not wear the same if I'm in a wheelchair. 

It's not something I think about often, but it has certainly crossed my mind (and is perhaps something I should repent of in my vanity!). And yet, He knows the fine crevices of our hearts, and He knows even the fleeting thoughts we hurry through in hopes that He (or even we) might not register them.

However, lately I have been so struck by the beauty of older women. Women who have age on their faces and wrinkles that tell a story. These are women whose hearts give their faces grace and hope and a different kind of beauty than our world covets. I long for the wisdom that makes them glow, and yet I confess I also fear the mountains and trials that have forged those qualities in them. But my fear cannot last long when I see their nearness to God. It brings to mind one of my favorite verses in the Bible: But as for me, it is good to be near God (Psalm 73:28).

I always tell the young people in my life, THE BEST IS YET TO COME. And I believe that with all my heart. Because, you see, for the one who professes Christ as Savior, eternity is to come. And with each passing day, He brings us closer to that day when we will be with Him forever. And with each passing day here on earth, I pray He will make my heart more like His and my beauty a product of His grace--that people might see the light of Christ in me. That they will not dwell on my clothes or my figure but rather on my heart. I pray that, I too, might dwell on these things when I look in the mirror, tearing down what our culture tells all women: you looked your best in the past. You are only beautiful when you are young. You only have value if you look the part. 

This is false. This is a lie. God's Word is TRUTH. And his Word tells us much on beauty. May we read these verses and be reminded that we are not living to please a culture. We are living for the glory of God.

3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

1 Peter 3:3-4

Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Proverbs 31:30

 

Mercy

Have enough faith, dear reader, to believe that you need mercy. Mercy is not for those who think they have merited it. Such people seek justice, not mercy. Only the guilty need and seek mercy. Believe that God delights in mercy, delights to forgive where there is no reason for forgiveness but His own goodness. Believe also that the Lord Jesus Christ is the incarnation of mercy. His very existence is mercy to you. His every word means mercy. His life, His death, His intercession in heaven, all mean mercy, mercy, mercy, nothing but mercy... . He is the Savior for you.

Charles Spurgeon, Spurgeon on Prayer and Spiritual Warfare

(excerpt from Praying God's Word by Beth Moore)

Yummy

My dear friend and college roommate came to visit last week. I haven't seen her in two years, but you'd think it had only been two days. We really can pick up right where we left off. She brought some cookie dough ready to pop in the oven. I mean, is there anything better than cookies straight out of the oven???

So we put some on a cookie sheet--just enough for us and the little ones--and sat and talked about life, about the Lord and about all that has been happening in our lives.

And she so sweetly left the remainder of the cookie dough behind (and the recipe for me to share with you here--I can assure you this warm, gooey goodness is a recipe you just have to try!). But the delicious cookie dough is not all she left behind: even as the smell of warm oatmeal cookies wafts through the air in my home, so does the sweet aroma of Christ, left by a friend who rejoices in knowing the same Father in heaven who first brought us together so many years ago and so mercifully still overflows our cups each time we see each other now. 

Kara's Oatmeal Cookie Recipe:

1 c. shortening

1 c. brown sugar

1 c. sugar

2 eggs

1 tsp vanilla (she usually puts in more like 1 TBsp)

1.5 cups flour

1 tsp salt

1 tsp soda

(Mix above in first and then add oats!)

3 cups quick oats

Form into loaf and refrigerate then slice and bake at 350 degrees for 11 minutes

Waiting...

These past few months God has poured into my heart in ways I could never have asked for or imagined. One area He continues to bring me back to is this: we must wait upon the Lord in eager anticipation. But sometimes we must do just that: WAIT. Someone sent me a song just this morning to remind me once again: 

He's in the waiting... .

***

Have you waited long upon the Lord? For His Word? For His hand? Until He speaks--until He acts--and He surely will--you need not wait upon His love. Patience to wait does not come from suffering long for what we lack but from sitting long in what we have.

from Beth Moore's Praying God's Word

Tidying Up!

My conversation with my three year old this morning after surveying the tornado of clothes, and dishes and toys that have overtaken the first floor and letting her know WE were going to clean it all up together:

Charlotte: I can't clean up since (long pause) I can't bend down.

Me: Why can't you bend down?

Charlotte: Because (long pause) my head hurts.

Don't you ever wish that excuse would work for you? I can't tidy the house today because...(fill in the blank!).

As a mom, my house is my workplace. And I find myself getting so frustrated when it's finally tidy and the kids (how dare they!?) want to play with their toys! I find myself yelling at them to "Keep it clean!" or thinking to myself, Can't we just keep it clean for one day!? For one hour!? Pleassssse!

It's laughable, really, like the conversation with Charlotte this morning that I recounted above. When I stop to really pause and consider the situation, I wonder which one of us is acting like a three year old? I look around at my house and think what an ABUNDANCE we have. And yet I somehow find a way to grumble and complain. So I pray this morning for an ABUNDANCE of patience, for the fruit of the Spirit even in the way I clean my home. After all, this is the work to which I have been called this day. 

If I would go to another, more official, workplace (according to this world's standard, that is) and offer my best for Christ, why wouldn't I even more so in my own home? 

And I think to myself that I should not write this here for you to read because I would never want you to think I do this well. I write this for you here to show you how far I have to go but that I believe God wants even my house cleaning!

Whatever your frustration may be today, your mountain to climb--no matter how big or how small--consider what it might look like to "work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord..." (Col. 3:23). 

On the prowl...

Feeling like mom of the year around here. Or not… . Do you know the feeling when the cupboards are overflowing, but there is no milk and no bread, so it seems as if there is nothing at all to eat in the house?! That’s where I’m at this week. I confess I have not been feeling well and getting to the grocery store has just seemed like a mountain I don’t want to climb (and yet, I somehow find energy to do other—much less necessary—things with my time).

Last Sunday at church I had a bit of a flare up with my MS. I had told Brian it was coming. I can feel it coming. It’s like our oldest cat, Sammy, on the prowl: he just hangs around, dancing in and out of the chair legs at the kitchen table, until at last we let our guard down and he can make a run for the chicken (who am I kidding—he goes for the chicken when we’re at the table!). But seriously, it’s not a secret. I know when I’m doing too much, and yet sometimes I’m just not willing to help myself by slowing down.

It has a very predictable pattern, and this week it has progressed as usual: first physical exhaustion and then emotional exhaustion. I can cry at the tip of a hat. After those two months of feeling so well, I am having a hard time accepting this reality again. I get mad at myself: Suck it up. You’re not tired. You’re not worn down. Everyone feels this way. You are weak.

I feel guilty for being exhausted. And I feel badly asking for prayer when people have already prayed so much: Aren’t people tired of hearing I’m tired? Shouldn’t I just pretend?

And for the most part I pray for strength and keep moving forward. And I feel confident most people don’t know how I feel on the inside. God graciously allows me to get done in the day what I need to get done, but He is also reminding me what it means to be obedient—to choose the things that are honoring to Him and use my limitations as an opportunity to prioritize. To say the least, this is a work in progress.  

But most importantly, as I write this, He reminds me that while I can be angry at my MS, it is not necessarily my MS that is at work against me. There is a greater enemy on the prowl.  In my prayer time this week, I have come across these verses several times, and I’m certain the Spirit has not placed them on my heart by accident:

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.”

1 Peter 5:6-9.

And I am humbled by the blessing of God’s Word. I am humbled that I can cast my fears on Him, that I can tell Him about my anger and frustration—that I can recognize the “flaming arrows” of bitterness and fear and uncertainty. I am thankful that God’s Word reminds me that he cares for me and loves me and knows I have MS. And I can also take comfort in sharing these things with you, dear reader, and trust that you will not judge me as a complainer or a whiner; instead, I trust that you are undergoing a very different and yet very real and possibly more challenging trial and that hopefully, you too, may find encouragement in these verses.

I have been praying that I would know God and then know Him more. He is such a faithful God. He hears us and He answers. It’s just not always the way we desire—but it often leads to “immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.”

Once again He humbles me by allowing me to see the blessing in my MS: without this week of struggle, I would not have stopped to consider these verses the way I am now. When the cupboard seems bare, sometimes we need just pause to look around and see the abundance surrounding us.

Time

I found this illustration from Jen Wilken's None Like Him: 10 Ways God is Different from Us to be so profound and incredibly challenging. In these few paragraphs she tells how her grade school teacher also taught her about time. I leave it to you, dear reader, and pray it may somehow be an encouragement wherever you are today... 

Each Monday she instructed the class to take out their journals and write at the top of the page: "Today is Monday. Yesterday was Sunday. Tomorrow is Tuesday." The class followed her instructions and harmony reigned. 

Her difficulty began on Tuesday when the process was repeated. As soon as she gave the instruction to write "Today is Tuesday," looks of concern would flood her students' faces. With the instruction to write "Yesterday was Monday" a hand would go up.

"Mrs. Greak, you told us today is Monday."

"No, Monday was yesterday. Today is Tuesday."

More worried looks. Another raised hand.

"Mrs. Greak, you told us tomorrow is Tuesday."

"No, today is Tuesday. Tomorrow is Wednesday."

Following this pronouncement, the children would get upset. From their perspective Mrs. Greak had stated a complete contradiction: She had told them first that today was Monday and then that today was Tuesday. Which was it? Could this woman be trusted to teach them addition if she couldn't even nail down what today was?

Of course, both statements were perfectly true.  But because five-year-olds do not yet grasp the concept of yesterday, today, and tomorrow, they questioned her grasp on logic. The problem was not with the message. The problem was with the limited ability of the hearer to understand it. 

We are like this.

We read the promise that God makes everything beautiful in its time, and we look at the unresolved sorrows and hurts of our lives and the lives of others. And we begin to worry that the Bible cannot be trusted. We forget that we are receiving instruction from the One whose perspective is not incrementally greater than ours, but infinitely greater. On a spiritual-insight scale from zero to God, we would be pathologically prideful to rate ourselves at kindergarten level. We must be neither surprised nor discouraged to find that we, who are of yesterday and know nothing, are at a loss to comprehend the timing of the One who transcends yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

We cannot expect to understand our own history or collective human history this side of glory, but we can trust our yesterday, today, and tomorrow to the One who was, and is, and is to come (pp. 73-74).

Happy Easter!

On this mountain the Lord Almighty will prepare
    a feast of rich food for all peoples,
a banquet of aged wine—
    the best of meats and the finest of wines.
7 On this mountain he will destroy
    the shroud that enfolds all peoples,
the sheet that covers all nations;
8     he will swallow up death forever.
The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears
    from all faces;
he will remove his people’s disgrace
    from all the earth.
The Lord has spoken.

Isaiah 25:6-8

On this Easter Sunday we thank God that His Word is true. And as I heard this morning at church--while we have no words that could possibly describe our great God, He so mercifully sent His Son--the Word--that we might see and know His love for us upon the cross.

There is hope.

Hallelujah! He is risen!

Spring, is that you?

I saw this on a sign today: Spring Is That You? And I thought it was perfect for this time of year in our great state of Ohio. Just when we think it's finally spring, we get another snow fall! But I can say with certainty I'm hoping spring is here to stay--and all that comes with it: sunshine, new life in God's creation, bike rides, long walks and of course, bunny ears!

Praise!

I want to thank you for your prayers, dear reader. This week I received wonderful news: the MRI results came back with NO NEW LESIONS!!! This is the best news we've had in two years and the very first MRI to come back without any new developments. This means the Tysabri is helping to stop new lesions from forming, and I am more than overjoyed at this. PRAISE BE TO GOD!!!

I confess when I prayed about these MRIs--when I prayed that there would be nothing new--there was a part of me that thought, If there's nothing new maybe that means I can go back to what it was before. Maybe I can push through even more.

I later realized that in not so many words what I was really hoping for was this: Maybe I won't feel so weak, so broken. Maybe I can feel like I'm in control again.

But I see now, more than ever, that what that means is being farther from my God. What I have learned more than anything in this process is a reliance on my heavenly Father. What I have been given is a reminder that this is not my home, that this is a broken world in need of a Savior. And that if I can share this story with just one person to help them know Jesus, then this is a gift in its own right. So I prayed heading in for the Lord's will and not my own. I prayed He would know the desire of my heart but that I would desire His will first. It may sound noble and strong, but I want you to know that it was not. The weeks leading up to this MRI and the week of waiting for the results have been hard--filled with moments of doubt and frustration and more reminders of how weak my faith can be. 

And when I asked the doctor about the very hard times--the undeniable fatigue that plagues me at times--I was gently reminded that the Tysabri is stopping new lesions from forming but that I still have MS and all the symptoms that come with it. 

It was a reminder I needed. 

But ultimately, I left there in awe of the unbelievable and undeniable mercies of our Father. When the nurse asked me how I'd been feeling, I told her there has been about an 8 week period this late winter and early spring that I have experienced some very real relief. It has been the best I've felt in two years. And when she asked what it was I'd done differently in that time I told her the only thing that came to mind: I just know I've been covered in prayer.

So I thank you, dear reader, from the bottom of my heart for your prayers. And I praise the God in heaven who hears them and so mercifully answers. 

I ask for your continued prayers: for a heart that seeks the Lord, for the fatigue heading into the heat of the summer and that I might remain JC negative (a virus that could potentially force me off my current medication) so that I can remain on Tysabri. 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

LISTEN: Part III

In this third segment on LISTENING, I want to share with you the Lord’s great provision. Brian and I spent this past weekend in Nashville. He had a veterinary conference, and I went along with him. For me, it provided some precious time alone—a time to spend in prayer and buried in the Word of God. On Sunday, I attended a church service where the pastor preached on Ephesians 1:17-18.

17 I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. 18 I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people… .

He reminded us that we “cannot microwave our intimacy with the Lord.” This struck me as such an incredible way to describe our faith walk.

I remember praying last summer for the word God would use in my life this year. I remember Him placing the word LISTEN on my heart and then putting it everywhere I looked, so I would be certain not to miss the memo. I remember my uncertainty on what it meant. I remember praying over and over and over again for God to teach me what it means to listen.

He answers when we seek Him with a genuine and sincere longing to know Him better. He wants us to know Him.

I know in the summer I wanted to know what it meant to LISTEN right now. I wanted to “microwave” the process. But the pastor on Sunday also reminded us that as we seek friendship with our great God there is both certainty and mystery.

If God promises it, it will happen. Let me say that again…

If God promises it, it will happen.

His Word is true. And He always keeps His promises.

But there is also a mystery about it. We cannot know or predict God’s timing or His way. And shouldn’t we be so thankful for this? God’s timing is always better than ours. His way is often “immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.” If we can be patient—if we can wait upon the Lord in eager anticipation—it will always lead us to a deeper understanding of Him.

I was telling some friends of ours recently what a wonderful pie maker Brian is. What’s your favorite kind? one of our friends asked him.

Grape, Brian replied. And he went on to share the painstakingly slow process of separating the insides from the skins and then cooking them down, separating the seeds out and eventually putting it all back together to create the delicious filling.

And then he said something so interesting: I don’t necessarily like the process. It just takes so much time. But the result is worth the wait. 

This is how I feel about the journey the Lord has had me on as I learn to LISTEN in a new way.

It has been painfully slow, but I can say with certainty it has also been more than worth the wait.

As I mentioned earlier, if God promises it, it will happen. On that Wednesday in June of 2015 as I sat in my car all by myself, crying out to the Lord, begging him for the “why” of my MS, He made a promise to me. He took me to His Word. He took me to John 9:1-3 and He assured me in His Word that He was giving me this—allowing this trial in my life—“so that the works of God might be displayed in me.”

I’m not making this up. God even allowed me to create a blog where this is recorded so that no one can say it didn’t happen. And I told you in 2015 that I didn’t necessarily understand how, but that I had a peace that surpassed any and all understanding that this was true then and going to be true in the future.

In the last few weeks, God has allowed this promise to come true in my life in ways I could not miss. Let me take you back a few months: in December the local newspaper told me that people had been reading my blog and that if I was open to it, they would like to do an article on my MS and the blog.

I said okay. And I prayed. For the Lord’s timing, for His hand in it all, for Him to be glorified.

As the basketball season went along, I thought perhaps they’d forgotten about it. But then about two months ago they approached me again. They were ready to do the article.

And on Sunday morning, February 26th, exactly twenty months since my diagnosis, the Lord put Scripture on the front page of the local newspaper. Not just any Scripture—John 9:1-3. He shared my story with thousands of people. He shared His story with thousands of people.

And in the most incredible, most humbling, most powerful way—far beyond measure—He fulfilled His promise that the works of God would be displayed in me, and He showed me what it meant to LISTEN—that if we believe His Word, it can change our hearts and help us to know Him better.

There are so many details of this journey I cannot share here—of a time where I literally felt the Lord’s presence in every part of my life. A time where He chose to reveal Himself to me in the tiniest and most magnificent of ways.

A friend who saw me at church the following Sunday asked why I was crying, and I said I couldn’t possibly put into words the joy in my heart.

And she said it reminded her of Mary in Luke 2:19 where it says, “But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.”

And I knew in my own way, this was how I felt. I just had to treasure this time and ponder the wonder and awe and joy of KNOWING my Lord better. Of his generous provision in teaching me to listen.

I read this recently and thought it would be a good way to end this series on LISTENING.

Do you see that the Lord’s promises have many fulfillments? They are waiting now to pour out their treasures into the lap of those who pray. God is willing to repeat the biographies of His saints in us. He is waiting to be gracious and to load us with His benefits (Ps. 68:19, KJV). Does this not lift up prayer to a high level?

Charles Spurgeon, Spurgeon on Prayer and Spiritual Warfare

I have experienced firsthand the Lord’s promises fulfilled. I have felt the treasure poured out. He has allowed His graciousness and mercy to permeate every inch of who I am. I know that He is the Great I AM and that I am NOT.

I know the Lord is far from done with teaching me to LISTEN. In fact, I know now I must pray and believe that He will continue to help me know Him better. My heart longs for it. 

My dear friend, if you do not know Christ in your heart or you aren’t sure, ask someone! And if you do have Him in your heart….oh, how I beg you to ask him to teach you what it means to listen! Ask Him to help you BELIEVE His Word so that you might know Him better.

And then keep praying. And wait upon the Lord in eager anticipation. I am certain He will blow you away.

There is no one like our God!

LISTEN: Part II

Faith is not believing in my own unshakable belief. Faith is believing an unshakable God when everything in me trembles and quakes.

-Beth Moore (from Praying God's Word)

In my last blog post I began a three part series on how the Lord is teaching me what it means to LISTEN.  I shared that for me, to LISTEN is to BELIEVE God's Word so that it changes my heart to know Him better. 

In this second part--before I bring it all together, before I share the joy and revelation--I want to share the struggle. To tell you the Lord put the word LISTEN on my heart and then revealed its meaning for my life in some great moment and because of my great faith would be a gross fabrication. To say faith isn't hard and that I am not weak would be hypocrisy at best. I was reminded recently as I reviewed my notes on the last few chapters of Job of something one of my pastors shared through our study of this challenging book of the Bible:

IF GOD WERE SMALL ENOUGH TO BE UNDERSTOOD, HE WOULDN'T BE BIG ENOUGH TO BE WORSHIPED.

(Evelyn Underhill)

I think of all the ways the Lord has been so incredibly faithful in my life, even amidst the challenges of these past two years. And yet about six or seven weeks ago, I was crippled with the realization that my faith--the measure with which I believed God would do what He says He's going to do--was wavering. Please do not misunderstand--I knew I believed IN God. I was just having a hard time believing how His Word would unfold in my life. I began to realize I was struggling with unbelief.

I believe the Holy Spirit used several key verses to convict me of this. Let me share them with you here: 

1. "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" Mark 9:24

2. "But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." James 1:6

3. He said to them, “Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20

I desperately wanted to TRUST God, to believe He can grant me a faith so strong it can move mountains and to refuse to be a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

And so I PRAYED. And the Lord provided, as He always does, with a book by Beth Moore called Praying God's Word. It is an incredible book, and it has an entire section of Scripture verses devoted to overcoming the stronghold of unbelief. I confess I was ashamed to have to pray on this topic. I'm a believer! I thought to myself. Of course I believe! Aren't you upset with me that I have to ask you to believe better??? 

But I knew the Lord was calling me to something deeper--that He wants all of us, even the ugly parts--and so I prayed with an earnestness and desperation that spoke to the brokenness in my heart and the Holy Spirit's conviction to long for and to know my Creator more.

I asked Him to change my heart. I prayed His Word back to Him. I begged Him to help me. 

Without even knowing it, I was asking Him to help me understand what it means to LISTEN.

During this same time, someone sent me a song that spoke to this longing to know God deeper. It also became a prayer I played over and over and over again. I played it in the car, before bed and many times in between for days and weeks on end. I believe it was the first of many profound answers to the prayers I described above. 

Let me share the lyrics with you here from "In Over My Head (Crash Over Me)" by Bethel Music (please, go check it out!)...

I have come to this place in my life
I'm full but I've not satisfied
This longing to have more of You
And I can feel it my heart is convinced
I'm thirsty my soul can't be quenched
You already know this but still
Come and do whatever You want to

I'm standing knee deep but I'm out where I've never been
And I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind

Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in
Let love come teach me who You are again
Would you take me back to the place where my heart was only about You
And all I wanted was just to be with You
Come and do whatever You want to

And further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours
And further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours

Then You crash over me and I've lost control but I'm free
I'm going under, I'm in over my head
Then you crash over me, and that's where You want me to be
I'm going under, I'm in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head
I'm Beautifully in over my head
I'm Beautifully in over my head

So often I cannot understand the Lord's way--why He allows me to struggle at times, to gasp for air as the waters seem to rise all around me. But then, as the song suggests, perhaps it's not until I'm "beautifully in over my head" that I reach out to seek Him "with all my heart" -- that my heart is finally ready to LISTEN... .

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Jeremiah 29:11-13