Two years ago this very week I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. When I reflect back on that time in comparison to where I am today, I am humbled by how much distance there seems to be between me now and the woman standing on my driveway that day, listening to the doctor say, "Yes, I'm 100% certain. You have MS."
The image that comes to mind is that of a cup. Then, my cup was full. But now, I must confess, I feel like my cup is overflowing.
At the front of my Bible I have these words written from the night before my diagnosis was confirmed:
Here's my heart, Lord, speak what is TRUE.
These words from a song by I Am They were a prayer. An anthem. So much of my diagnosis was surrounded by surrender. An overwhelming need to give it all to the Lord--no doubt a prompting from the Holy Spirit. And now, as I sit here two years later, I can barely get off my knees with gratitude for the way God has answered this prayer. Only with Christ can we surrender--give up, give in--and yet feel so full, so overflowing with His mercy.
What have I learned in these two years, dear reader? Oh, I could talk to you for days straight and not scratch the surface. But if you have a moment, I'll at least give you a few highlights:
I have learned that when we are in Christ, God hears our prayers. He knows our hearts. I know He heard that prayer on June 25, 2015 and He has not stopped answering it. He has filled my heart with TRUTH--His Truth. He has grown in me a love for God's Word so deep and fervent that I hunger for it in ways I never could have imagined. And that is how I know it is the Holy Spirit at work in me--that kind of hunger does not originate from my weak flesh.
I have learned that God's Word is always true. When He speaks Truth into an area of your life, choose to listen. Believe. Always. We cannot be flippant in this--we must ask for discernment and wisdom in understanding His will in our lives.
I have learned how incredibly wicked and sinful I actually am (I'm sure I haven't even begun to discover the depths of it!). But I have also begun to understand how much more glorious that makes the cross.
I have learned I have so much more to learn.
And in the meantime I must continue to pray, and I thank you, sweet reader, from the bottom of my heart for your loving prayers. I pray for healing and for a cure. But I also pray that as long as I have MS, God would use it to further His kingdom. It is hard to imagine the ways He has used this wretched disease to fill up my heart and overflow my cup with His love and mercy. A God that can make me thankful for something I should (and sometimes do!) hate so much, is definitely a God worth serving.
Ultimately, I have learned His will is always better than my own. Even in this. And I know this is a lesson I will continue to learn, sometimes kicking and screaming my way along.
Never underestimate the power of prayer or the love of our Father. And so tonight, I pray it again: Here's my heart, Lord, speak what is true.
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We are not so foolish as to think we can learn a trade without the diligent use of helps. Shall we think that we may become spiritually skillful and wise in the understanding of this mystery without making any real effort to use the helps God has given us? The most important of them is fervent prayer. Pray with Paul that the 'eyes of your understanding may be enlightened to behold' the glory of God in Christ. Pray that the 'God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of him.' Fill your minds with spiritual thoughts of Christ. Lazy souls do not get the tiniest of this glory. The 'lion in the way' deters them from making the slightest effort.
-John Owen
(from Prayers of an Excellent Wife)