Faith is not believing in my own unshakable belief. Faith is believing an unshakable God when everything in me trembles and quakes.
-Beth Moore (from Praying God's Word)
In my last blog post I began a three part series on how the Lord is teaching me what it means to LISTEN. I shared that for me, to LISTEN is to BELIEVE God's Word so that it changes my heart to know Him better.
In this second part--before I bring it all together, before I share the joy and revelation--I want to share the struggle. To tell you the Lord put the word LISTEN on my heart and then revealed its meaning for my life in some great moment and because of my great faith would be a gross fabrication. To say faith isn't hard and that I am not weak would be hypocrisy at best. I was reminded recently as I reviewed my notes on the last few chapters of Job of something one of my pastors shared through our study of this challenging book of the Bible:
IF GOD WERE SMALL ENOUGH TO BE UNDERSTOOD, HE WOULDN'T BE BIG ENOUGH TO BE WORSHIPED.
(Evelyn Underhill)
I think of all the ways the Lord has been so incredibly faithful in my life, even amidst the challenges of these past two years. And yet about six or seven weeks ago, I was crippled with the realization that my faith--the measure with which I believed God would do what He says He's going to do--was wavering. Please do not misunderstand--I knew I believed IN God. I was just having a hard time believing how His Word would unfold in my life. I began to realize I was struggling with unbelief.
I believe the Holy Spirit used several key verses to convict me of this. Let me share them with you here:
1. "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" Mark 9:24
2. "But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." James 1:6
3. He said to them, “Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20
I desperately wanted to TRUST God, to believe He can grant me a faith so strong it can move mountains and to refuse to be a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.
And so I PRAYED. And the Lord provided, as He always does, with a book by Beth Moore called Praying God's Word. It is an incredible book, and it has an entire section of Scripture verses devoted to overcoming the stronghold of unbelief. I confess I was ashamed to have to pray on this topic. I'm a believer! I thought to myself. Of course I believe! Aren't you upset with me that I have to ask you to believe better???
But I knew the Lord was calling me to something deeper--that He wants all of us, even the ugly parts--and so I prayed with an earnestness and desperation that spoke to the brokenness in my heart and the Holy Spirit's conviction to long for and to know my Creator more.
I asked Him to change my heart. I prayed His Word back to Him. I begged Him to help me.
Without even knowing it, I was asking Him to help me understand what it means to LISTEN.
During this same time, someone sent me a song that spoke to this longing to know God deeper. It also became a prayer I played over and over and over again. I played it in the car, before bed and many times in between for days and weeks on end. I believe it was the first of many profound answers to the prayers I described above.
Let me share the lyrics with you here from "In Over My Head (Crash Over Me)" by Bethel Music (please, go check it out!)...
I have come to this place in my life
I'm full but I've not satisfied
This longing to have more of You
And I can feel it my heart is convinced
I'm thirsty my soul can't be quenched
You already know this but still
Come and do whatever You want to
I'm standing knee deep but I'm out where I've never been
And I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind
Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in
Let love come teach me who You are again
Would you take me back to the place where my heart was only about You
And all I wanted was just to be with You
Come and do whatever You want to
And further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours
And further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours
Then You crash over me and I've lost control but I'm free
I'm going under, I'm in over my head
Then you crash over me, and that's where You want me to be
I'm going under, I'm in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head
I'm Beautifully in over my head
I'm Beautifully in over my head
So often I cannot understand the Lord's way--why He allows me to struggle at times, to gasp for air as the waters seem to rise all around me. But then, as the song suggests, perhaps it's not until I'm "beautifully in over my head" that I reach out to seek Him "with all my heart" -- that my heart is finally ready to LISTEN... .
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-13