I listened to a song recently that challenged me to be honest. About the hard things in life—the nitty gritty kind of stuff we try to hide away so people can’t see we’re not as neatly put together as we seem. So if I’m totally honest with you about the hard things the Lord has put on my heart recently, I’d have to say He has been pruning my soul in the way of pride.
Pride is scary. I confess I approach any prayer regarding pride with the utmost caution: Humble me, Lord, but oh, please be merciful!
That word—HUMBLE—is also a scary word. Humility describes our Lord Jesus Christ in every way:
5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
6 Who, being in very nature[a] God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
7 rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature[b] of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8 And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
Philippians 2:5-8
Christ—in all His ways—was the perfect picture of humility. The exact opposite of Satan, who desired to be like God. No, Christ who in every way was God, instead humbled himself to become man in order to save us from our sin.
On the other hand, I can assure you, my flesh, left to its own devices, wants nothing to do with humility. But recently I have asked the Lord to reveal the hidden sins in my life (the log in my own eye), and He has so carefully revealed this one to me.
Over the past few years, the Lord has shown me in circumstances both big and small just how deep this pride is rooted in me. So deeply that in one of my times of greatest need, I was so blinded with pride that I could not even see the solution to my despair staring me in the face. I could not—would not—accept the Lord’s answer.
And what did the Lord do with me? He cut me back. He humbled me in ways I hope I never experience again. And then softened my heart and opened my eyes.
And the answer that had stared me so boldly in the face—the one thing I did not want to do-- that is exactly where He ultimately led me.
On my knees. In prayer. Completely dependent on Him.
These are the hard things in life. The realities we try to hide. The thoughts we never share. The motivations we work so hard to cover up with our pretty speech, our nice clothes, our happy smiles. What have I learned in this process? Am I now the humblest person you’ve ever met?
No.
He continues to reveal to me the pride in my life. Even in my obedience—even in my best moments in man’s eye—He so graciously reveals this sin.
There have been times where I am so discouraged by it, I find it difficult to lift my head off the pillow in the morning. But then in His love and mercy, as I believe He helps me grow in Him, He helps me see that in my sin, the gospel is even more beautiful than I ever could have imagined.
Barbara Duguid’s book, Extravagant Grace, describes the beauty of this process: “God is kind and merciful, and he does not show us the truth about ourselves all at once. Instead, he appoints seasons and moments when he opens our eyes bit by bit so that we can bear it.” She goes on to say, “The wonderful thing about seeing the scale of my [sin] was that once I saw it, I could confess it and ask God for the gift of repentance. When we live in denial about sin and do not see ourselves accurately, we can’t really grow. We are paralyzed until the Holy Spirit moves to give us sight and then grants repentance in his time” (117).
Ultimately, God uses these things in our lives to show us our need for a Savior and to help us better appreciate what Christ did for us on the cross. Because of His love on the cross, God sees me washed clean. I can look back and see my paralysis. I can look and see the Holy Spirit moving to give me sight. And I can tell you I am learning more and more that even in the painful lessons He teaches us--both big and small--He is gentle. I am far more wretched than I ever imagined. He needs me to know that. And yet He helps me also to see--even more so--that He loves me anyway. So much so that He would send His son to die on the cross that I might be forgiven.
I confess at times I have a hard time accepting His forgiveness. This may sound ridiculous, but again, it points to my pride. Instead, I hold myself hostage, certain God could never forgive me. I try hard to work my way out of it or do better so He can see I really am sorry. I’m a go-getter, a get it done kinda girl. I want to fix this too. My way. But the Bible is clear that God in his wisdom will never let me find lasting comfort in my own works because nothing I can do will be enough to cover my own sins. Only Christ can do that: “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast” (Eph. 2:8-9). Amazing grace, how sweet the sound! Grace. Such an important reminder that I cannot change my own heart.
And that even in my weakness He can draw me nearer to Him. He helps me in weakness to see that He is all I need:
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9