As October comes to a close and the leaves finally begin to change (how awesome has this weather been!?), I felt like it was time for an update on the very thing the Lord used to start my blog: Multiple Sclerosis. It’s funny—I rarely use those two words. Most often I will simply say that I have MS. But actually writing those words out reminds me of what they mean: MULTIPLE SCARS.
When I think of my journey with MS over the past two and a half years, I think of the many scars it has left on me physically—all the lesions on my brain and spinal cord—the tangible reminders that can still cause my hands to ache when I’m stressed or sick or tired. I think of the other scars—the trials, the relationships, the parts of my life that have had to change because of this disease.
But as I consider the many scars that MS has left, I think it’s worth considering the definition of scars. Just Googling the word brings up this definition:
"...A scar results from the biological process of wound repair in the skin and other tissues of the body. Thus, scarring is a natural part of the healing process."
I can’t help but pause at the final sentence: Scarring is a natural part of the healing process.
And I must tell you, dear friend, that although my MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS—my MS—my many scars, have led me down some of the hardest roads I’ve ever traveled, these same scars have also revealed to me my weakness, my insufficiency, my brokenness. They have led me to the feet of my Savior, bowed low and begging for mercy. In the great paradox of Christian life—the Lord has begun to heal me in and through my suffering.
Don’t misunderstand—He has not healed my body—but I can say with certainty I see Him using it in my life to sanctify and mature me. In a conversation recently, I shared with someone that I don’t think I would ever trade these past two years with MS back for the old me. Not because it wasn’t hard—trust me, it has been that—but because the way the Lord has used this form of suffering to draw me closer to Him is worth more than any ease and comfort.
Even as those words spill onto the page, a part of me beckons them back—like the words that come out too quickly that you wish you could usher back in. And yet, I feel compelled to leave them because I have made an oath of honesty here with you. I can’t tell you I like having MS. I can’t tell you I enjoy it. I can’t tell you I “want” it. But I can tell you I see His hand in it. On this side of two years, I can tell you I can see purpose.
Those of you that have followed this blog from its beginning know the verses at the top of the page. You know the Lord put John 9:1-3 on my heart even before I was diagnosed. You know I prayed to give Him my heart in all of this and asked Him to speak what is true. And if you’ve followed at all, you know that He has fulfilled this promise. You know that He even shared my story—His story—on the front of the local newspaper, allowing the works of God to be displayed in me.
I have felt well these past six months. So well. So well there were times this summer that I wondered if I even still had MS. I am so thankful. It was such an earnest reminder to be thankful even for the things that never happened—like a horrible, hot summer where I’m so fatigued I can’t even move. I am so thankful I didn’t experience that this summer. I am so thankful for the unusual coolness we experienced here. He is teaching me to count my blessings. To appreciate the little things.
A few months ago I felt compelled to pray for a new verse. And the Holy Spirit put one on my heart:
“He restoreth my soul” (Psalm 23:3).
I can tell you with confidence the Lord will heal me—whether that is here or in eternity I cannot know. But this I do know—His Word is always true.
So how has he used my scars to heal me? How is that He has even used the name of this wretched disease for my good and His glory? He has grown in me a love of His Word, even a reliance. He has shown me my need for a Savior and has begun to harken my soul towards eternity. Some days I just can’t wait to get there. Not in a morbid kind of way but because I cannot possibly wait to see Him face to face.
And in the meantime, I pray for you, dear reader. That perhaps this blog might be an encouragement in your trial. He can use your suffering, too. I encourage you to seek Him in it.
And as I head into a new season, I confess my fears. I can already feel the weight of each day a little heavier now with the busyness that comes with it. I confess I am afraid of how I will feel. Of how I will get through. But I can also tell you He has placed on my heart to TRUST. And so I pray that He will help me to do just that.
How could you pray for me?
For grace.
Grace for today.
Grace for tomorrow.
And grace for each day after.
That I might find healing in the scars. And that He might “restoreth my soul.”