Hello, dear friend. It has been a year since I last wrote, and while I felt very unable to write in that time, I am now feeling the tug on my heart to begin again.
I’m not really sure where to begin, so perhaps I’ll just jump right in. I recently retired as basketball coach at the local high school. I have prayed for six years—since being diagnosed with MS—that the Lord would make it ABUNDANTLY clear when it was time to be done. I knew I could not give it up on my own. Almost every year, in the throws of the season—and quite frankly exhaustion—I have said, “This is it! I just can’t do it anymore.” But then at the end of the season, the Lord refreshes me, gets me excited about opportunities with the young women I coach and about beating next year’s teams around the county. I suppose in its own way, it’s like filling the car up with gas. When Bertha (my minivan has a name—thanks P. Davis!) was young, if she got low on gas the only panic was whether I’d make it in time to pull into the gas station to fill her up. Once full, she was ready to roll. However, Bertha has aged quite a bit since then. And now, when she gets low on gas everything seems a little more shaky. I’m also listening to the noises in the engine, the humming under the hood. She’s had doors replaced because they don’t slide anymore and they’re telling us she needs a new ball joint soon. I’m anticipating that the end is near.
Looking back on this season of life, Bertha and I have a little more in common than I’d like to admit. Bertha and my body have both aged and matured. And while I drive Bertha and am responsible for refueling her, taking her to get checkups and evaluating when it’s time to finally turn her in for good, it is not so much that way with my own body. Trust me, I like to think I’m in charge. I like to think I can power up every morning—just push a little harder. Be tough. Keep going.
But this season of life has humbled me. It is the Lord who wakes me up every morning. It is the Lord who gives me strength for today—who tells me His grace is sufficient for me and that His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Cor. 12:9). It is the Lord’s grace over the past eleven years, that I have been able to coach, and it is the Lord who has grown me closer to Him. He has revealed many sins— my pride being number one— and reconciled me to my own weaknesses in ways I never would have for myself
And in that way, I am so grateful for MS, which daily points to the only sustainer and giver of life, the Lord Jesus Christ.
This past fall was met with severe depression and while the basketball season was one of the sweetest I’ve ever had, I noticed many changes in myself. I have three children, a husband and a team. The drain of the physical walk of life, poured slowly for awhile and eventually overflowed like a flood into the mental and emotional parts of life. It truly was a daily—sometimes minute by minute—walking with the Lord.
In my prayers, I always asked the Lord that in my last season of basketball, He would help me to finish well and that He would be so very clear it was time. Of course, in the selfish and worldly parts of my mind, I hoped that meant we would cut down a net. End on victory!
But no. The Lord knows my sin—my pride, my desires to win (always)—and the Lord knows what is best for me. And so as I look back on this season of life, one of the greatest lessons He taught me—a place where He actually came in and tore me down to build my heart back up again—is that my calling as a coach was never going to be solely about winning games and championships. And it would never be something I could do in my own strength.
IT WAS ABOUT GAINING CHRIST. IT WAS A SEASON OF SOUL WINNING.
I read a newspaper article recently that spoke of the temporal element of the game itself versus the lasting impact of character. I can attest to this. I’ve won a state championship, won Districts and Regionals. And oh, the fun! But I can tell you with certainty, it is never enough. There is always next season, a new team, a deep, deep desire to stay on top. The Lord made me a competitive woman and my own sin made me competitive to a fault. It is not a sin to desire to win, but when winning consumes, when it hinders the effectiveness of my life for God, then it has ruling power in my life.
But the Lord….
When I was diagnosed with MS, God allowed me to hand over my heart. And praise God, He has slowly broken down the consuming sin of win at all costs. What He has brought me to the last two seasons, is that while I desire to win more than almost anything, I desire His will above my own. I desire to be more like Christ one very slow step at a time. While winning does matter and is fun, it is also fleeting. The medals are tucked away in a chest somewhere, and my attention is on the next game, not the past.
But in the past eleven years, I have felt this tug on my heart—stronger and stronger every year:
Lord, make me a fisher of men! Fix my eyes on the eternal prize.
And God is faithful! This season has been “a long obedience in the same direction.” One where my sin has hindered me, but my God has saved me. Where He helped me understand basketball was not my job—
It was my calling.
And that my purpose here is not to bring glory to myself (which I confess I can easily desire), but rather glory to my God. This season has not been about accumulating wins but about gaining more of Christ. Gaining more of Christ in my own heart and winning souls for eternity. I can look back on my time as a coach and genuinely know that there will be many young women standing with me in heaven someday. Women who gave their lives to Christ and are now out making disciples themselves. I pray that if they saw anything in me—it would be a woman whose love for Jesus Christ was the joy of her days, that their souls mattered most and that whatever they do—whether their job, motherhood, competition—the true JOY comes from knowing Jesus as the prize! Forever.