I got a message on my answering machine last week. When I heard it, I cried tears of joy.
The nurse at my neurologist's office left a six second voicemail that the radiology report on my MRI looked good--"there don't appear to be any new lesions."
This is AMAZING news!!!
This past Monday, I had an appointment to go over the results. For the first time in over a year, I looked at an MRI with hope. The scars are still there, the MS is still there, but nothing was glowing! No lesions were currently active. I have hope that this medicine is working.
I am so thankful in this--beyond words, beyond what I could ever explain here. And I thank God for his mercies, and I thank God for all of the prayers--the ones I know about and the ones I never will. I am humbled by the Lord's grace in this situation and by the people who so graciously love me through it.
And yet I confess to you the small part of me that stomached the news with a tinge of disappointment. A new lesion could explain the hard days--the way I so often feel. No new lesions is truly amazing grace, and yet I must also now begin to accept my new normal. How I feel. How I must continue to learn to adjust my lifestyle.
On the way home, I asked Brian if I he thought that meant I could return to what I was doing before MS. I already knew the answer--I know I cannot. I know I physically and mentally cannot. I know it on the days I try. And yet I just needed to hear him tell me no--that is not what the doctor was saying at all.
And I am challenged to keep my eyes "ever toward the Lord." To recognize how he is using my MS to grow me and to sanctify me. I have hope that someday I might sit in that room and look at an MRI that is clean--that shows no MS, no scars. That I might say to the doctor--"You see! My God did that!"
But I am challenged that even if that did happen, I would never go back. The Lord is teaching me to live life more dependently on Him--to grow in my faith. To live a life where I must consider whether each part of my agenda is "worth it" that day--worthy of Him.
And for now, I pray that I can look at my MRI--scars and all--and say with joy, "You see! My God did that!"
...so that the works of God might be displayed in me.
So for now, I am so, so thankful for this wonderful news and a beyond encouraging appointment.
Thank you, Lord, for this incredible encouragement and for your truly AMAZING grace.